Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
