How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize