hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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