I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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