just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
