Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize