He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
