Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
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