i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize