It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
