Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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