i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize