My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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