You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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