Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize