That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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