Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize