i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize