There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
