Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
