I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
