I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
either way he was missing a nipple.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i came on her dog
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
