Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's rum buckets o'clock
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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