Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
