im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize