im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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