tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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