It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
