:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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