Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
