How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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