i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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