we have pet lesbian snakes
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize