Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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