It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
