Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
