i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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