You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
