I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
