Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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