I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
