Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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