i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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