Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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