Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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