if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
sex in a hospital.. check
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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