i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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