Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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