the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
