How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
