wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i think my mom watched the whole time
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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