I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
