I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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