Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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