Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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