the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
