One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
