he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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