And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
