Just fell off a train. Bad.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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