i permit you to call me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
