I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
