Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
