could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
