i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize