i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
