So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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