38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize