i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
